Kids are angry because they're not getting the attention they deserve. This isn't about projecting blame onto mothers or fathers, but about suggesting, even imploring, that a profound correction needs to be made by parents who have lost the way in the stewardship of their children's lives.

The story behind the tragic shootings at Santana High School in California is one of a boy who felt unseen, unloved and unworthy. His parents were divorced and separated by vast differences. Children often take responsibility for their parents' separation. Then, too, the boy wasn't getting his father's proper attention. We know that he was bullied in school, which became a major stress inducer, exacerbating his deep feelings of rejection, lack of self-esteem and rage.

One of the greatest needs of young people is the need to feel seen, acknowledged and validated. When this need isn't being met, the trauma can be great. Anger is almost always the result, no matter how subtly it first shows its face. It may show itself as depression, as an eating disorder, as a form of acting out or rebelliousness, or as something more severe.

RAISED EXPECTATIONS

Most of all, children know when they are being seen for their best selves, despite their mistakes and misjudgments. When parents or teachers raise their expectations of a young person by acknowledging his or her potential and goodness, that young person usually will respond with improved behavior and performance. When a juvenile is mistakenly identified with his or her faux pas, the reverse is usually the case.

Even in so-called normal circumstances, children are challenged by family-life conditions in today's society. Many parents have two jobs. When they're not working, one or both are busy attending to their mutual funds or to their golf or tennis games. It is a fact that the average father spends only 7 1/2 minutes a week with his son or daughter.

Combine this inattention, which is a form of emotional abuse, with being picked on by one's peers at school, and the result is always damaging. Add the violence of television, film and video games to the mix, or the turmoil of drugs, and the result may be catastrophic.

For the past 15 years, in Miami-Dade County public schools and alternative classes, and since 1996 in the Florida Department of Juvenile Justice, we've dedicated our personal and professional lives to provide at-risk youth the attention, life-management skills and knowledge that can help them both survive and thrive in our society. Invariably, we've picked up where parents and teachers, for one reason or another, have missed out.

We've developed statistically proven and professionally managed training programs for troubled youth called ARISE Secrets of Success (SOS) [now called Life Management Skills (LMS)] and have developed more than 175 publications, covering 40 life-readiness courses, with 260 life-skill topics.

These programs provide skills in anger management, conflict resolution, how to cope with bullying, self-esteem enhancement, domestic abuse, teen-pregnancy reduction, the tools needed to find and keep a job, how to make good decisions, building a support system, plus lessons on drug, alcohol and tobacco avoidance.

We've learned how to make contact with teenagers, getting them to listen by sneaking in under their radar screens. Our brainstorming and interactive group discussions, dealing with everyday-life issues, get the youngsters actively involved in the learning process. Our approach has contributed to reducing juvenile crime and teenage pregnancy in Florida.

HUG YOUR KIDS If parents and teachers would give their children the quality time, attention, respect and life-skills training they deserve, the number of kids who find their way into juvenile-justice facilities would drastically diminish. Our children cannot be met on the journey of life with expediency, as commodities. They are living, thinking, feeling beings. Love, which includes hugs, also involves making them feel seen and acknowledged, and learning how to listen and communicate. It additionally means nourishing them with the tried-and-true wisdom lessons gained from life's trials and errors.

Put it all of this together, and the child you save may be your own.

Edmund F. Benson Susan Benson, co-founders, of the ARISE Foundation in Miami (ebenson@ariselife-skills.org)

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